So cliche. Really. And so this is it. My last cry, I will not plead. I've been pleading eversince. It has got to stop. This is where it stops. Maybe it's not just meant to be. Maybe things never fell into place, no matter how much we wanted them to fall into place. I didn't want to be simple. Until I had you, I wanted us to be simple because I am complicated. I tried to change, but just as nature sheds it's leaves and blossom forth with it's real green, I just didn't, I just couldn't. I could be different when I'm with you, though, I could want the things you wanted. I would have. So long as you stayed. I want different things, I want things done differently. I wanted the moon, the stars, and all heaven brings. But I never wanted them for myself, I wanted to share them with you. I told you I was born to save you, until you made me realize that you didn't need saving. You needed to belong, at one point, it was me you wanted to belong to. I called you mine, and you called me yours. In the end, you just needed yourself. You didn't want me, didn't need me anymore. I wish I am a better person so that I can tell you what I hope for you is the best. I never admitted I am a good girl, how can I be better if I was never good? I do not hope anything for you. My hope is reserved for a friend who might be dying, another friend who just lost her child. Maybe the best for me is yet to come. I do not know what my future holds for me, but I know it's a future I can weather. Because this hurt, this pain, it just makes me stronger. These tears, this last cry, they will be remembered until you are forgotten.

A journey ends, and another one begins.

The story does not end though, because the story is about friendship, compassion and faith.

Friendships are forged through trying and crying times...

Lemon - I will not miss a dancing analyst, I will miss a gym-buddy, boy-watching companion, travel-bugmate, a ready listener and a friend whose heart is just filled with so much love and compassion.

Arien - You are just simply a ray of sunshine. Your clumsy and silly antics just crack me up. I will miss laughing with you and at you :). I will always remember how it feels good pouring out how my heart feels to you. And I will not forget how funny you can be when you're drunk.

Erik - With you I saw what it means to be humbled and patient. I am sorry if there were moments when my attacks were seemingly personal. I am just challenged by my goal of surrounding myself with achievers. I believe that you will get there. You will get there soon.

Roscoe - Stay dedicated and resilient. Stay faithful to your family, I envy you for having such a beautiful family. Keep your heart strong and your mind open.

Charley - You and CJ were my savior. Your talents are the tenets on which the group took flight from. Keep your disposition and predilection to become better. Be happy, you deserve it.

Ros E. - You're such a baby! If there's one thing I regret, it's not being able to get you sooner, because I didn't have enough time to influence you to become more evil ;). Never cease to open your mind to new things.

Flor - Thank you for being such a team player. Thank you for accepting the directions I have set forth for your career. Your trust in my judgement and decision helped me sleep soundly when things were really crazy.

Will - There are only 3 men in my life that I listen to, you are the 4th. I will never stop saying how proud you have made me. It made all the crying and the fighting worth it. Take care of Mira and Big D, they are your life's treasure. Stay steady and strong. The team needs to be empowered and WILL powered.

There are no real endings. Really. This is just me signing off. I am not saying goodbye. I am just halting at one journey because another one has to begin. Our story does not end. The story never ends.

 

 

I'm lost.

I want to be found. But I don't want you to find me.

I've asked a lot of people to pray for me because I don't believe in prayers anymore. I don't believe in love and faith and hope. I don't believe in the goodness of people's hearts.

I want to be back to what I was fifteen months ago. I want to be bitter. I want to be cunning. I want to be an epitome of a learned woman. A woman of the world - indifferent, unhappy but damning the fates, challenging the gods. I don't want to be this silly and stupid and pathetic girl - lost and lonely and just...sad.

I don't want to be sad anymore, maybe later, when I wake up I can decide to be happy.

I'm trying. I'm trying to see a future other than a bleak one that I am seeing.

I'm mustering strength. Strength and resilience, so that I can go through this...hurt but not damaged.

I want to wake up from this very bad dream. A life without you after all this time is just a very bad dream. I want to wake up screaming and see you sleeping beside me again. Hold my hand above your heart and feel it beat my name. Open my eyes and see you look at me with tenderness and that oh-so familiar look of mischief.

I'm empty. After all, didn't we agree that you are the love of my life? It feels I loved you forever...I love you forever...my DSP...my love...you are everything that makes me happy and sad. You are everything that makes sense and truth. You are that which makes me feel all the time. Without you, it's just bleak.

My ears are bleeding Alanis.

And I never imagined when this whole journey began with DSP that I'd be listening to her songs of angst. Again.

So I'm drowning in Alanis' lament of Simple Together, wishing I can drown the words he last said to me.

"I thought we'd be happy together"

I really did. And I knew we were. I actually felt it, because I was, didn't know he wasn't.

And now, I don't really know if it's the penultimate end (I can hear aLien, screaming in my head how stupid I am), because this just has to be the end of it, I can't help but breathe a sigh of grief. A grief that's just so palpable I want to taste it in my mouth, I want to wish it into matter just so I can hold it and crush the living daylights out of it.

I never imagined we'd end up like this. I thought we learned from the mistakes of the past. Sadly, I am mistaken.

 

 

 

 

I miss you. 

You know that gut-wrenching feeling of pain and weightlessness, it's the way it feels. Like I'm dead inside, talking and walking and working on the outside, but inside, I'm all dead and wrought and ruined.

I miss our bantering, our silly fights, I miss making up with you, holding your hand and forgetting what the fight and the silly banter was all about.

I miss waking up early every other day, making your coffee and hanging out with you, resting my sleepy head on your shoulder.

I miss driving with you around while we make our plans, while we plan a future of white picket fences in the south suburbs, a 2 car garage, and a kid with my eyes, your lips, my spunk and your resilience.

I miss you. I miss waking up alive and happy and not broken.

I miss you. Fix me.

Sadness. And there are tears. 4 hours of incessant crying that made me come to work with bloodshot eyes and a shattered spirit.

I know it's noncommittal. But it still hurts like hell. 

This is our story.

I never thought we'd be an OUR again. Always believed I'd always be a ME and you, a YOU. Now, it's US...OURs...WE...

We met eons ago, when love was young and immature. When I thought that it's about chocolates, peach roses, stolen kisses. It was years ago, when I knew you, when we talked countless hours on the phone, did childish things, fought silly fights, and then we fell in love. Two years, we were in love. I loved you and you loved me. You'd show up in school drenched in sweat just to make sure I get a ride home safe. You'd hang out at home until the wee hours of the morning. I'd hang out at your place until the sun sets and until my Mom would call. We did things lovers do, and then some. We've written words of love, and our souls sang of passion. You would look at me the way a lover would look at his beloved. And I felt that, my every being felt that -  the promise in your words, your soul in every strum of your guitar, the fire in your eyes. I felt real love in your touch. 

But...ours is a story of young love such as that of the rest. We just fell out of love, the passion dwindled, the fire died down. Your happiness belonged to someone else. My bitterness I kept to myself.

And that was it. 

Until you showed up at Church, 7 years forward. I held your hand, and I knew that moment, it's the hand I've always wanted to hold. I couldn't say I fell in love again, because I never fell out of it.

And now, after we decided the ghosts of the past should stay in the past, that the memories we are meant to share are still unfolding, I love you more than ever. I couldn't wait for forever to begin, because OUR story is a testament to what forever can be.

I love you DSP, our story will never warrant an ending, because my love for you will simply not end. I loved you then, I love you now, I love you forever.

We've passed our 3rd month. And to say the least, it wasn't hitchless. I always seem to find us in petty fights. Me refusing to budge and him attacking me because I refuse to budge.

It's not easy. Well, whoever said relationships are easy? I'm learning new words as we go along, not syntactical usage, but life usage. Words such as compromise, togetherness, future. In retrospect, very familiar, but during infruriating moments, they're very new.

Compromise. I define it as letting something that's so you to simply slip away. Like you're allowing a part of you to fade into the night in exchange for his smile, his nod of approval and ideally, your peace of mind.  I haven't really compromised much of me yet, but I am really trying, many moments I've failed though, but like the stubborn girl I am, I haven't given up on trying to compromise.

Togetherness. I used to perceive it as spending time doing something out of the ordinary, not routinary, something that the two of you can remember while you browse pictures of that extraordinary day. Now, it's the ordinary days that become special. It's watching TV together, hearing mass, surfing the internet, sitting close together, eyes closed and trying to nap.

Future. Whoa. That's it!

When I used to just throw caution to the wind and grab what's laid down in front of me, I find myself standing still and listening to the silence that the night brings. 

When I used to live it fast and loud, I find myself longing to hear his voice and wishing for sleep so that I may dream of him.